I’ve started to develop some anxiety about my blog, which I began as sort of an experiment, and I hoped to get responses from people who didn’t actually know me just to kind of get a bead on how my thoughts play out there in the real world (I’m admittedly bubbled within cushy academic circles). And because I already know that my worldview is a little off-the-beaten, so to speak, and because sometimes I just wanted to go off about my wretched neighbors and jackasses at work (or at the Y), I chose anonymity. My beloved SIL had already named me Lucy on her blog, and so I stuck with Lucy.
[Everyone always wants to know the origin of Lucy. Lucy was a yellow parakeet that I owned for ten years; I loved her very much, and I still miss her. And no Crse, I do not want your parakeet.]
But Lucy’s not really anonymous anymore. Some of this was self-outing and some of it was other-outing, but I’m kind of getting known. All of this is okay. Really okay, but because I am who I am, there’s a little (okay a lot) of self-pressure happening here. I’m so committed to try and say something meaningful. To take the personal and try to address a larger point, as is sort of my blogus operandus (BO?).
So I’m wondering if my writing has been changing? If I’m more self-conscious or something? I don’t think so because I feel very comfortable with all of the people who read me. But I feel a little put off when one of my regulars skips my blog, especially when I see his/her comments on everyone else’s. Was I not clever enough today? Was I uninteresting? Is said regular then going to be all “Lucy says the same shit over and over.”
And I get a little sick of the sound of my own voice in my head, trying to connect the pieces of my life into something cohesive to share. I wonder if other people are sick of me?
My little Gwennie has just started telling knock-knock jokes, and if you have children, you’ll remember that the first knock-knock jokes are a little strange because knock-knocking really is a particular kind of humor, and most kids start hearing knock-knock jokes before they grasp the subleties of the genre.
Something like this:
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Pineapple.”
“Pineapple, who?”
Uncontrollable five-year-old laughter.
Indulgent parental smile.
This is where I am. I’ve got nothing but pineapple today friends, but I do appreciate your indulgence.
14 comments
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July 29, 2008 at 4:26 am
Canada
OMG, I HATED the knock-knock stage!!!!! Bless you, and may someone (ahem, crse) make you many, many vodka slushies (or any alcohol of your choice) to help you cope!
As for your writing . . . you need to chill, missy! I always enjoy reading your blog, but don’t always post because sometimes I don’t have anything interesting to say, or sometimes I don’t have time. I bet it’s the same for other people, too. So relax, keep it coming, and good luck with those knock-knock jokes (Banana. Banana who? Banana. Banana who? Banana. Banana who? . . . . . . )
July 29, 2008 at 4:46 am
lucy
Canada, you’re so good to me.
I was actually talking about Tyler. He’s practically a blog stalker some days, and today, he just skipped me over and commented on everyone else’s. And the dork post is about him for eff’s sake.
Listening, Tyler? I’m a sad, sad girl
July 29, 2008 at 6:05 am
crseum
I think you are taking more risks and showing more of your personality on your blog which i LOVE. It’s not the same stuff at all. Your voice is evolving as you get more comfortable with your audience. Yeah, it’s a little scary especially since as you mentioned, your relationship with your audience went to different places as you became less anonymous. We both know how scary it can be to be “out there” with opinions that you’ve committed to owning but once the shock of transitioning from double life/double blog Lucy to wherever you end up going as you merge identities wears off, Im guessing the self-pressure will ease. In a way, your blogdentity really is in a state of flux with that merge, which makes that comfort level even more elusive. Still, I have to tell you a) you are your own worst critic by far. I could never manage the kind of blog you do that creates meaning and bravely attempts such cohesive connection. I know ive told you this before, but people are sometimes intimidated when they read thoughtful well-written stuff and don’t want to leave a stupid comment afterwards which brings the sheer quantity down (granted, it never stops me, but that only means I don’t have impulse control) b) even though we just discussed the whole “comment” thing tonight, I didn’t get around to making my version of canada’s point. For me, commenting has so much more to do with opportunity than it does with whether or not I have something to say or liked the post. If Im holding the turnip or reading remotely from the crackjack, I can’t comment and before I get a chance to go back, the post has changed and Im irrelevant. I think this probably happens to more people than we realize.
Finally (should a comment be longer than the actual post? well sure when it’s filled with crse-love!) no matter where this journey takes you, your pineapple will always be enough to make me giggle.
July 29, 2008 at 12:52 pm
tyler s clark
I love “blogus operandus”. I did read the dork post, I just didn’t have anything to say. And I’ve got to spread the comment-love around!
And, you’ll be amused to know, I’m totally envious of all the comments you get on your blog. As I was driving back from Virginia last week, I found myself musing, “Lucy and Crse always get so many comments on their posts but I don’t get that many. How do I write more like them to elicit more comments? Do I need to be more personal? More sarcastic? More…?” And, of course, here you are with your own blogxieties. I should have figured. Peace.
July 29, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Adorable Girlfriend
I know where this is coming from. The ex-factor reads my blog and I loathe that. I loathe that I cannot talk about what I really want to talk about. Largely because I don’t think he should know things. Ugh.
In time, this will pass and you’ll get to a place where you can again talk about anything. Give it time . That’s what I am doing.
Big hug!
July 29, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Lucy
Crse: Wow. That was a seriously long comment. There is certainly a lot of blobxiety going around these days, huh? I love the random unstructured hilarity of your blog, and like Tyler, I envy the number of comments you get. It’s funny, after I wrote this blog, I read Chris’s, and he talks about writing struggles too. It’s in the air!
http://christopherbarzak.wordpress.com/2008/07/28/on-wanting-to-do-better/
Tyler: That was lovely…worth the wait. Blogus Operandus was my favorite part too. I thought it was a clever coinage. And you’ll be amused to know that I think of myself as kind of an emotive mess on my blog lately, and I look at your writing and think Tyler’s so smart, and I look at Crse’s and think, she’s so funny. I guess we all worry about our read out there in the real.
AG: Thanks for your sympathies on this one. It means a lot coming from you because your blog is so effing great!
Did no one love the knock-knock, pineapple (Gwennie’s actual contribution to the genre) joke? It was my second favorite part, after blogus operandus.
July 29, 2008 at 9:29 pm
Pascal Ebert
I fully intend to comment on this post but am still reading CRSE’s comment.
As I am only recently drawn here by a burgeoning intrigue born from your curiously kind words from elsewhere, I feel ill-equipped to treat the evolution of your writing just yet.
Bear with me as I catch up.
There is great value in anonymity. When all else fails, start the whole thing over and just don’t tell anyone. It’s an exhilarating exercise.
July 30, 2008 at 4:55 am
Wren
Lucy, I love your blog. I love your words. You make me smile, and you often make me think. Your style is just you — it varies with your moods — and it makes your writing authentic and compelling. I’m one of those who stop by often but don’t often comment — not because I didn’t like what you wrote, but because I really didn’t have much to add. I blog too, and while I get a decent number of hits each day, hardly anyone comments. I try not to take it as a judgement of my writing or my subject matter.
The fun thing about blogging is that you can write about anything you want to. Whatever rings your chimes. It’s a wonderful way to put all those thoughts that float around in our heads into coherent order for ourselves, but also for anyone who happens by. Perhaps they’ll get something out of what we’ve written, and perhaps they won’t. And maybe, if we’re lucky, they’ll say something and give us a little lift.
Just keep on keepin’ on, OK? I’d miss your wry sense of humor and your flashes of wisdom if you stopped.
July 30, 2008 at 12:45 pm
brooke
what’s wrong with that knock knock joke? i think it’s hilarious! then again, i often giggle uncontrollably when i even look at a pineapple, so maybe that has something to do with it…
July 30, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Lucy
Pascal: Thanks for stopping by. I find your advice intriguing.
Wren: you’re so sweet. I always read your blog too, even if I don’t comment. I particularly like your political posts–you’re so good at pointing a find point on things.
Brooke: I knew I could count on you to love the pineapple joke. Gwennie has a whole bunch more to tell you when she sees you again
July 30, 2008 at 7:13 pm
blue girl
Is said regular then going to be all “Lucy says the same shit over and over.”
LOL. Oh my God, you make me laugh.
You’re great, Lucy. I love everything you write. Do not be anxious and anxiety-ridden. Although, I totally understand. I haven’t written anything new since Friday.
Total blogger failure! That’s five whole days! Unacceptable!
But. I am like in a coma over here and can’t string two coherent thoughts together. Oh well. Hopefully, no one will banish me from the bloggysphere.
Keep on truckin’, Lucy!
July 31, 2008 at 3:19 am
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[...] on the brink of insanity. (at least i hope im still on the brink.) Im not even sure Ive got pineapple to offer you but here is some shit about my [...]
August 1, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Dan
I had totally forgotten about the knock-knock phase! Made me laugh out loud. (lol didn’t seem strong enough!) Spot on.
December 31, 2008 at 5:22 am
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